SELF COMPASSION TOWARDS MY YOUNGER SELF
Self compassion can take the form of acceptance of who you are. To be at peace in the present, we must first make peace with the past. Having flashbacks to the past, as in post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), can lead to comfort spending. Blocking the feelings, or unwanted memories that are triggered using a process of avoidance makes things worse. I recite the serenity prayer : God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change – the past, courage to change the things I can – acceptance, and the wisdom to now the difference. In this way I can relive the past in a therapeutic context. To be at peace in the moment I need to be less reactive. To be at peace with the past I need unhook my self from a traumatic memory and to refocus on being in the present. I can rephrase the serenity prayer to read : God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change – situations or memories, courage to change the things I can – reactivity and refocusing, and the wisdom to know the difference. As well as reactivity, you can ask the serenity prayer for the courage to change resistance. I aim for the grace to not offer resistance, to quote Nisargadatta Maharaj “pain is physical; suffering is mental. Beyond the mind there is now suffering. Pain is essential for the survival of body, but non compels you to suffer. Suffering is due entirely to clinging or resisting; it is a sign of our unwillingness to move on, to flow with life.” As well as going with the flow, the serenity prayer helps me to act or respond in accordance with principles instead of just likes, dislikes or prejudices etc. You cannot access causality except in accordance with principles or values. I have been saved by grace in the form of a recovery, I have been saved by grace, by grace I live, and by grace I give. Having the grace to give comes from gratitude, gratitude for the person I have been, and the person I an now. For refocusing I use mindfulness in computers, meditation, music, books and films to bring my thoughts back to the present when distracted by thoughts of self or problematic behaviours. An example of this is if I am listening to music, if I find my mind wandering, I bring my awareness back to the lyrics or melodies in the music. I owe it my younger inner self to be grateful to myself as all my experiences, actions and decisions have brought me to this pivotal moment in the now. An attitude of gratitude can be the product of being more focused. Throughout my recovery, wherever possible I have embraced change to be a safer and more productive person.
As the serenity prayer talks of acceptance, I will give a brief history of a journey of mine towards acceptance with languages. While I was at infant school a teacher told my parents that I spoke 'double Dutch'. It was from my mothers language Greek as she had come into this country from Cyprus. It was decided that I should drop speaking Greek and speak English in the home and at school. This sudden about turn led to a cognitive inflexibility with languages. At grammar school I was at the bottom of the class in French and German and failed English language and English literature 'O' levels the first time I sat them. This case is an instance of early impressions in developmental years which influenced my behaviour and outlook setting a pattern for later life where I became unadventurous with language and travel, preferring science, maths and computers etc. I even was told at school by someone that science was illiterate without languages. Now accepting that I can only read English translations of Satre's crime of passion for example, or Camus' the outsider, and not in French, does not thwart my endeavours of reading or disappoint me. I have made peace with past and if I need to learn more Greek or travel to Germany or France, I can always learn at my own pace rather than in an environment of competition.
Sadness is remembering the good times in misery. Sometimes the wounds are not remembering the growing pains in youth but the end result of an over confident youth in which the beauty and experiences are eclipsed by frustrated ambitions and disappointments further down the line. The good times of my younger self are a contrast and a reminder of my legacy of mental illness. Acceptance for me is to create a space in my mind for the positive, relatively care free memories of my youth to comfort me, and offer hope and inspiration. I have embraced my younger self taking the good lessons on board, having an attitude of gratitude and grace, and not berating myself for the later mistakes of an inelegant, cognitively inflexible, clumsy spreading of wings.
